Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I was listening to a saved podcast of The Splendid Table the other day on the way home from work, and there was a segment they ran that really pissed me off. The gist of it is that there is a term that is going around among young male bachelors to describe people who use their culinary skills to seduce a partner. They call people who do this "gastrosexuals". When I heard this, I rolled eyes so hard I nearly had to pull over in traffic to recover. Yes, we get it. Gotta have a label for every little bit of stupid crap. Got it the first time with metrosexual about a decade ago. It wasn't really clever or funny then either.

If any gastrosexuals find themselves reading this, let me go ahead and be clear: you're not special at all. I'm sorry, but people have been passing off their skill with chow since a cave man first dragged a hunted mammoth back to the cave and waggled his unibrow at Oog, with promises of unga bunga to come by firelight.

Food leads to sex. Say it with me people. You put effort into making a thing that not only nourishes and provides energy, but stimulates all five senses, and serve it to somebody you fancy, and it's going to set a mood. Now I'm not suggesting to share a spontaneous tender moment with the griddle cook at your local Benihana. Obviously not everybody you cook for is a target of sexual intent, and not every meal you consume is an invitation for the same, but it's a tool in the toolbox. We all know how it works when alcohol's involved, and we all get the idea about music. Food? Same thing. The fact that it took some smarmy thirty-something with an inferiority complex to create a name for obvious crap just makes me mad.

Way to rediscover that wheels are round and fire is hot. Maybe I'll go twitter with other wheelosexuals and fuegosexuals when I realize that people like making out in hot cars and by the glow of a fireplace on a cold night.

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